Short, quick-fire jokes have been popular for centuries. Indeed the world’s oldest surviving joke book, the Philogelos, which was written in Ancient Greek, contains this classic doctor joke: Patient: “Doctor! When I wake up I’m all dizzy. Then after half an hour I feel fine.” Doctor: “Well, wait half an hour before waking up.” Meanwhile in Rome, they had a gag for every occasion, from senate orations and lavish feasts to throwing Christians to the lions. A Cicero stand-up gig was the hottest ticket in town. Shakespeare readily slipped one-liners into his comedies, while medieval jesters used pithy quips to amuse the royal court, well aware that if the joke backfired and somehow offended the monarch, their next audience might be with the executioner. “Dying on stage” carried a more sinister meaning for comedians in those days. It’s not hard to see why one-liners remain in vogue with today’s comedians. They are easy to remember, quick to deliver and if one gag dies on its feet, the next is waiting in the wings, hopefully to a better reception. Here is a compilation of the best one-liners around – a heady mix of old and new favourites, Dad jokes, thoughtful musings, corny puns and witty observations, covering a vast range of topics from Families to Fish, Money to Music, Relationships to Religion and Technology to Travel. They can be used to brighten up business conferences where the delegates are as tired as the sandwiches; dinner parties where the conversation is threatening to slide into a discussion about spreadsheets; seemingly interminable Zoom calls; and, of course, speeches at weddings that are so emotional that even the cake is in tiers.

A hilarious (or groan-worthy) look at the rite of passage that all dads go through. Do you think your jokes are hilarious, without fail? Ever thought something was sidesplittingly funny only to have the rest of your family look at you with pity and disdain? It probably means that you’ve succumbed to the daft, ill-advised things all Dads say and do – the things you swore you’d never do! – you’ve fallen for Dad-isms. In this hilarious book you’ll find embarrassing anecdotes and true stories, cringeworthy jokes, sayings, quotes and all manner of quirky nonsense that dads come up with to keep you (but mostly him) amused. From excruciating things dads say at weddings to the cheesy phrases that make you sigh but him guffaw, from dad dancing to the crazy things they save up for the most inappropriate moments... these dad-isms are so bad they’re almost good.

A collection of classical practical jokes for everyone (except the victim) to enjoy. Leave your friends and enemies with egg on their face (literally) or humiliated (but happy!).

'You'll laugh out loud and take delight in the gripes of the moaners out there' - The Sun From Bob Geldof to Winston Churchill, Jeremy Clarkson to Victor Meldrew, the world has always produced its share of grumpy, moody, pessimistic and world-weary types. We all know one! They like to groan and grumble, offering their own commentary on the shortcomings of modern life. Whether it is queues at the supermarket, the state of the health system, the price of a pint these days, the hairstyles of teenagers, or the number of Maltesers you actually get in a bag, there is always something that will get their goat. The Grumpy Old Git's Guide to Life is a hilarious celebration of all these grumps, how to identify one, what exactly they find so irritating and why we find their rants quite so amusing. An ideal gift for him. See if you can put a smile on the face of your favourite grump this father's day.

A hilarious (or groan-worthy) look at the rite of passage that all dads go through. Do you think your jokes are hilarious, without fail? Ever thought something was sidesplittingly funny only to have the rest of your family look at you with pity and disdain? It probably means that you've succumbed to the daft, ill-advised things all Dads say and do - the things you swore you'd never do! - you've fallen for Dad-isms. In this hilarious book you'll find embarrassing anecdotes and true stories, cringeworthy jokes, sayings, quotes and all manner of quirky nonsense that dads come up with to keep you (but mostly him) amused. From excruciating things dads say at weddings to the cheesy phrases that make you sigh but him guffaw, from dad dancing to the crazy things they save up for the most inappropriate moments ... these dad-isms are so bad they're almost good.

Since 1894, when motor racing's colourful history began with a bang (and a banger!), drivers, racers and lunatics alike have done many stupid and bizarre things all in the name of motor sport. Author Geoff Tibballs has gathered together this absorbing collection of stories from over a century of motor racing around the world, including the Frenchman who drove 25 miles in reverse, the Grand Prix in which the leading drivers were so far ahead that they stopped for a meal in the pits, the Le Mans 24-hour race won by a car patched up with chewing gum, and the driver who drank six bottles of champagne - virtually one per pit-stop - on the way to winning the Indianapolis 500. The stories in this book are bizarre, fascinating, hilarious, and, most importantly, true. Revised, redesigned and updated for a new generation of petrolheads, this book contains enough extraordinary-but-true tales to drive anyone around the bend. Word count: 45,000

Do you call your partner darling because you forgot their real name years ago? Restore your brain to its tack-like sharpness with the exercises in this wickedly funny book. If you refer to your dearest friend as 'Thingy' or have to keep changing your pet's name because you can never remember your online banking password, you need The Senior Moments Activity Book! Packed with questions, tests and exercises against which to pit your wits, the book is divided into sections on a diverse range of subjects - from maths to history, science and nature to the arts, food and drink to geography. Furthermore, each section is tailored to your specific capabilities, whether you think you have more faculties than Harvard or think you might be losing your marbles, or fear you're so far gone that your only future is likely to be an appearance on reality TV. Embrace your senior self and have a good laugh on the way!

For decades, experts have been puzzled by what causes many previously happy, carefree young men to become perpetual moaners as soon as they hit middle age. And now they have found it, uncovered the truth behind the Holy Grail of modern medicine: the grumpy gene. To discover whether you (or your loved ones) possess the grumpy gene, this quiz book has been devised to gauge your reaction to hundreds of different situations, from airport scanning machines that never work to parcel delivery men who choose to ignore the address clearly marked on the label and prefer to drop off your parcel at any random house in the vicinity. Points are awarded for each answer and your total score indicates where you rate on the grumpy scale. Wry, funny and wonderfully well observed, this quiz book gives you all the tools you need to test for the grumpy gene - in yourself or in the old git in your life. With questions relating to weather, work, travel, gardening, technology, relationships, family and law and order (to name but a few), no stone is left unturned to find the answer to that eternal question: Are You a Grumpy Old Git?

With over 3,500 entries, arranged by topic, fully indexed and up-to-date for the twenty-first century, here is a bumper new collection of witticisms and wisecracks. If you're looking for a quick quip to get the crowd on your side, struggling to put the finishing touches to a wedding speech or just want to cheer yourself and your mates up, this marvellous mammoth book provides all you'll ever need. Entries range from insults, put-downs, gags and one-liners to homespun philosophy, witty proverbs, movie quotes and graffiti. Among the contributors featured are Ricky Gervais, Sir Terry Pratchett, Tina Fey, Milton Jones, Russell Brand, Bill Bryson, Armando Iannucci, Stephen Fry, Jeremy Clarkson, Larry David, Grayson Perry, Germaine Greer, Will Ferrell and many more. Never be stuck for a good line again! 'Al Gore met with Donald Trump to discuss climate change. To try to explain it in terms Trump would understand, Gore said, "The planet is getting hotter than your daughter Ivanka."' Conan O'Brien 'The only time it's cool to yell, "I have diarrhoea!" is when you're playing Scrabble.' Zach Galifianakis

Funny, fearless and absolutely filthy-nearly 3,000 more uncensored, dirty, sick, and deeply politically incorrect jokes, covering just about every topic imaginable, from adultery to (sex in) Zoos, including an assortment of bad taste lists. A worthy, all-new follow-on to the first bestselling volume.

A humorous collection of hundreds of funny news stories, whacky phenomena, and hilarious blunders and gaffes from around the world, such as: the woman who smuggled 75 live snakes in her bra; the man who held a funeral for his amputated foot; the radioactive cat which got mistaken for a bomb; the human tongue that got served up in a hospital; the X-ray that revealed E.T.'s face in a duck; the youth who woke to find a bullet in his tongue; the tortoise that set a house on fire; and many more.

What is it about the term 'wellness' that sets your teeth on edge? Do you really need someone to come in and help you declutter? Can you truly practice mindful meditation on the train to work every morning? If the answer to all these questions is a resounding 'no', then take heart, you're not alone.

What is life without struggle? Everyone knows it's impossible to float through life on a fluffy pillow of happiness; it just isn't like that. As Alan Coren once said, 'To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.' Hear hear! This book is for those who look at life from a different angle, not wearing rose-tinted glasses with their glass half full, but for life's realists: the folk who believe one should never go to bed angry ... much better to stay awake and plot your revenge.

In New Year, Same You you'll find lots of laugh-out-loud humour to brighten your day (or not). Filled with words from the wise, this is the perfect book for grumps everywhere, after all, why make one person unhappy when, with a little more thought and effort, you could spread misery to the entire family?

When we think of the world's great sporting events, we tend to focus on spectacles such as the World Cup, the Olympics, the Derby, the Monaco Grand Prix or the University Boat Race. Yet there is also an alternative world of competition where participants risk life, limb and often dignity for meagre rewards in truly weird sporting pursuits. Step forward the Indonesian sport of sepak bola api, a variation of football in which the barefoot players kick a ball that is on fire; Germany's Mud Olympics, at which competitors play soccer, volleyball and handball while knee-deep in mud; yak racing from Mongolia; Oregon's Pig-N-Ford Races where drivers speed around the track while carrying a live pig under one arm; and Australia's variation of the Boat Race, the Henley-on-Todd Regatta, where, instead of rowing, teams carry their boats along the dry bed of the River Todd. This book lists geographically the world's 100 weirdest sports events, giving full details of their rules and colourful history. They include the grotesque (the national sport of Afghanistan is buzkashi, in which riders on horseback aim to drag the headless carcass of a dead goat towards their opponents' goal), the dangerous (Japanese hardcore wrestlers batter each other with glass fluorescent light tubes instead of their bare hands), and the downright daft in the form of the World Black Pudding Throwing Championships, the World Flounder Tramping Championships, the World Gravy Wrestling Championships and the World Shin-Kicking Championships. Races are staged in all kinds of transportation. Canada is home to the Great Klondike Outhouse Race (for portable toilets), the Vancouver Bathtub Race, and the Windsor Pumpkin Regatta; Colorado hosts the annual Emma Crawford Coffin Races; and the pride of Yorkshire is the Great Knaresborough Bed Race, where teams push a bed (containing human occupant) along a 2.4-mile course that requires a wet crossing of the River Nidd. Animals feature heavily, too. As well as traditional races for ostriches (complete with jockeys), cockroaches (no jockey required), armadillos, sheep, and Oklahoma City's splendid Dachshund Dash, rubber-duck racing is one of the fastest growing sports of recent years with events being held in several countries. Other competitions test an animal's ability to do more than just run or float, such as elephant polo, dog surfing, camel wrestling, rabbit show jumping and pig diving. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that in the near future we may even be treated to synchronized pig diving. Although the plunging porkers might disagree, the appeal of many of these sports is enhanced by taking part. If cheese rolling or volcano boarding are too energetic for your taste, ice golf or underwater hockey too uncomfortable, and lingerie football wouldn't show off your legs to best effect, you could always enjoy more leisurely pursuits like the world championships in rock, paper, scissors or pooh sticks. If, on the other hand, you prefer a watching brief, you could try your hand at cow patty bingo, a North American contest where a field is divided into numbered squares, and contestants bet on which square the cow will take a poop. It is probably the only occasion in life when you can make money from one number two on top of another.

The biggest and best collection of jokes for all the family to enjoy. 8,000 rib-ticklers, covering every subject under the sun from Aardvarks to Zombies, including chicken jokes, doctor-doctor jokes, elephant jokes, horror jokes, knock-knock jokes, excruciating puns, riddles, school jokes, sports jokes and waiter jokes. Most of the jokes are sharp one-liners but there is also a scattering of slightly longer stories.

A rollicking collection of stories featuring the craziest, daftest and most outrageous monarchs the world has ever known. Packed with royal stories from 2,000 years of history, from the immortality-obsessed first Emperor of China to the master of tact and diplomacy, Prince Philip, this book will leave the reader fascinated, entertained and occasionally appalled. We'll meet all sorts of colourful royal characters, including the Roman Emperor Caligula, who was unspeakably cruel to his subjects but worshipped his horse, Charles VI of France, convinced he was made of glass, and Frederick William I of Prussia, who recruited - and sometimes kidnapped - the tallest men in Europe to form his private army. There are tales of scandal, including secret marriages, illegitimate offspring, royal pickpockets and alleged vampirism, and madness, cross-dressing and pigeon-fancying also crop up! Fully updated with a selection of new stories, this absorbing book is the perfect gift for history fans.

The classic pocket guide to the language of London. This wonderful little guide to cockney rhyming slang contains over 1,700 old and new rhymes translated from Cockney to English and English to Cockney, including: Custard and jelly - telly Hot cross bun - nun Lemon tart - smart Rock 'n' roll - dole Sticky toffee - coffee ...and many more. Master the art of the Cockney rhyme and discover the Cockney origins of common British phrases.

Jokes so dirty or offensive they wouldn't fit in MBO Jokes The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes is the ultimate collection of X-rated and decidedly politically incorrect jokes - an indispensable guide to the funny, the fearless and the filthy. Be warned, the contents of this spanking new bumper book are not for the faint-hearted. Even a blonde would blush...if she got any of them. It features thousands of politically incorrect jokes, covering every topic from Alzheimer's to Zoos (sex in). Among the themes are Accidents, Adultery, Australians, Breasts, Cannibals, Cowboys, Drunks, Farting, Flight Attendants, Foreplay, Honeymoons, Jehovah's Witnesses, Marriage, Masturbation, Nuns, Old age, Orgasms, Parrots, Priests, Sodomy, Surgery, Therapy, and Viagra. Naturally, Blondes and Blowjobs are virtually inseparable. Also included are contemporary lists offering a unique slant on modern life, such as 20 Ways in Which Vibrators Are Better Than Men, 10 Signs That Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active, and 20 Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery.; Sample jokes from The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically incorrect Jokes; George

Entertaining and uplifting, this book is a hilarious look at those embarrassing setbacks experienced in one's senior years. From picking up the wrong child from school, to misplacing your car somewhere down your own road, the signs are there that the old memory isn't what it used to be. Containing a wealth of jokes, anecdotes, quips and quotes from like-absent-minded seniors, across a range of funny and undeniably familiar scenarios, this book will have people laughing out loud in shameful recognition that they are, in fact, getting on a bit. So, find your reading glasses (they're on your head) and delve into this side-splitting guide that will help you laugh at those senior moments as well as keep them at bay.

A collection of 10,000 side-splitting one-line jokes arranged in categories from bestselling humour editor Geoff Tibballs. 'Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.' 'Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.' 'I read somewhere that 26 is too old to still live with your parents. It was on a note, in my room.'

Quite simply, the greatest compendium of humour ever written! Even bigger and better than ever, The Mammoth Book of Jokes is the ultimate joke book - now revised and expanded to over 7500 entries. This endlessly entertaining collection covers everything you could ever think of, from Birthdays and Dogs to Mothers-in- Law and War. Plus epigrams, limericks, misprints and howlers, shaggy dog stories, politically incorrect jokes, toasts, pick-up lines and put-downs ...Extra new material for this bumper edition includes favourite celebrity jokes - specially chosen by the likes of Bill Clinton, Gordon Ramsay, Dustin Hoffman and Tony Blair - as well as no fewer than 2000 brand new jokes.

From the man behind the bestselling Mammoth Book of Jokes, an all-new, enormous collection of fantastic jokes - indexed and categorised to help find the right joke for the right occasion, from Bar-Mitzvahs to bar-rooms. Bigger, better, and even bulkier than before, The Mammoth Book of Jokes 2 is the consummate collection, with jokes on every subject under the sun, from lawyers to low-energy light bulbs.

With old age comes grey hair, dodgy knees, a sudden passion for re-runs of Murder, She Wrote, and an apparent God-given licence to speak one's mind and be generally offensive without fear of retribution. Under the guise of passing on the benefits of their experience to family members or just casual acquaintances, old people exercise their right to swear, cuss and insult as they please.

These feisty philosophers take no prisoners as they use their scalpel-like tongues to dissect modern life and the younger generations. If challenged over their outrageous comments, they'll play the age card: you know the sort of thing - 'I'm eighty-six, I've fought for my country, and if I want to call you a no-good, lowdown, useless f*ckwit, then I'll call you a no-good, lowdown, useless f*ckwit... Vicar'.

Other gems include: It bugs me when people say, 'Life is short'. What the hell does it mean? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! Are they going to do something that's longer? Son, if it's got tits or tyres, you're gonna have trouble with it. We all have our disappointments in life, son, and I'm talking to mine right now. The only way in which life resembles a bed of roses is that you encounter a lot of pricks along the way. Sure I'm surprised you can't get a job, son. I heard the world was crying out for someone who is lazy, has no qualifications but can spit gum into a waste paper basket from ten feet. Don't you think you might stand a better chance of becoming a captain of industry if you got rid of some of that metal sh*t on your body - like the nose stud and the eyebrow rings? Donald Trump may have a crap haircut but I bet he doesn't have pierced f*cking nipples. Son, if life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. The secret of a happy life is to run out of cash and air at exactly the same time.

Ever since Mrs Malaprop first took to the stage in 1775 and described a gentleman as 'the very pineapple of politeness', some famous figures have become better known for their slips of the tongue than for anything they said intentionally. In particular, the careers of a number of broadcasters, sporting figures and politicians have become defined by their verbal blunders. Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle is remembered solely for making unfortunate remarks such as 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.' Welsh naturalist Iolo Williams sent Twitter into meltdown when, discussing diving sea birds on Springwatch 2016, he asked a female conservationist: 'Is that the deepest shag you've ever had?' Even respected sports broadcaster Harry Carpenter was probably haunted forever by his seemingly innocent comment at the end of the 1977 Boat Race: 'Ah, isn't that nice? The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.' I Wish I Hadn't Said That is a collection of over 3,000 spoken and written blunders - including unintentional double entendres, spoonerisms, mixed metaphors, malapropisms, jaw-dropping remarks, misguided quiz show answers, embarrassing newspaper misprints, and foreign signs and notices that have sadly become lost in translation.

With over 10,000 entries, arranged by topic and fully indexed, here is a giant new collection of witticisms and wisecracks for the 21st century. If you're looking for a bon mot for an after-dinner talk, struggling to put the finishing touches to a wedding speech or just want to cheer yourself and your mates up, this fabulous fat book provides all you'll ever need. Entries range from insults, put-downs, gags and one-liners to homespun philosophy, witty proverbs, movie quotes and graffiti. Among the contributors featured are Woody Allen, Dave Barry, P. J. O'Rourke, Winston Churchill, Will Rogers, Jay Leno, P. G. Wodehouse, Bill Cosby, W. C. Fields, Oscar Wilde, Spike Milligan, Groucho Marx, George Bernard Shaw and many more. Never be stuck for a good line again! 'Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.' P. J. O'Rourke 'I'm sure sex wouldn't be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It's not that sex isn't good, but the World Cup is every four years and sex is not.' Ronaldo

A giant humorous collection of funny news stories, whacky phenomena, hilarious blunders and gaffes--over 1000 extraordinary cases from around the world. Who needs urban legends, when these are all true? It's everything readers love about Ripley's Believe it or Not! with an added punch of humor.